We Can Hear You, Brian

There are few modern mysteries quite as baffling as the rise of the public speakerphone call. Somewhere between the dawn of Bluetooth headsets and the death of shame, we collectively decided it was fine to conduct full-blown conversations at full volume,  in cafés, on trains, in the queue for coffee.

How on earth did this happen? Let’s investigate!

The Early Days: Whispered Conversations and Hand-Over-Mouth Tactics

Once upon a time, we were embarrassed to be overheard. We'd cup our hands around our Nokia 3310 and mutter, “I’ll call you back” . Public calls were quick, apologetic, and ended with “sorry, I’m in public.”

Now? Entire romantic sagas, business negotiations, and medical updates are broadcast to unwilling audiences like a podcast no one subscribed to.

The Technology Excuse

Maybe it started innocently enough. Bluetooth earbuds lost charge. Hands were full. “I’ll just pop it on speaker for a sec.” And that “sec” turned into a lifestyle.

Somehow, people convinced themselves that holding a phone two inches from their mouth while yelling into it is easier than lifting it to their ear as though gravity suddenly became unbearable. 

The Social Decay Theory

There’s also a darker possibility: we’ve simply lost our sense of public decorum. Once upon a time, noise was considered intrusive. Now, we’re all part of a shared cacophony - TikTok videos at full volume, FaceTimes on buses, toddlers watching Peppa Pig on the plane at level 10.

It’s as if silence itself has become suspicious. If you’re not audibly communicating or consuming, are you even alive?

The Oversharing Generation

Somewhere along the way, privacy became optional. We share everything else - meals, moods, medical results - so why not a phone call? You can tell yourself it’s multitasking, but to the rest of us, it’s just broadcasting.

And here’s the thing: you never overhear interesting speakerphone calls. It’s never,

“Yes, the diamonds are in the briefcase.”

It’s always,

“No, I told you to defrost the mince before I got home.”

We Can Hear You, Brian

The Public Service Announcement

To those who love a good speakerphone chat in public - a gentle reminder: we can all hear you. Every word. Including the unsuspecting person on the other end who probably didn’t sign up for a live broadcast.

If you wouldn’t shout your conversation across a café, maybe save it for later, pop in some headphones, or send a quick text instead. Your fellow coffee drinkers will thank you (silently, of course).

In Summary

Speakerphone chats in public aren’t just mildly irritating, they’re a tiny glimpse into a bigger modern quirk… our struggle to sit quietly with our own company. Maybe that’s why ideas like Analogue April strike a chord. Deep down, many of us miss the days when the noisiest thing on the bus was a turning newspaper page, not someone’s mum asking about the recycling.